Ugh....

Today was a not so good day. Keegan had a counseling appointment at 8 a.m. The appointment started late, so it in turn finished late. I had it all planned that I would get there before my 9 a.m. class got there, but that it would be o.k. because it was a teacher led class, not my own. Wrong! I got there late, and it was her prep time and my time to teach. I felt horrible. So, I scrambled to figure out what I was doing and sent her on her way.

At lunch time, Keegan's teacher pulled me in to her room. She had found a bookmark with " if you are reading this.. I might be dead." I was shocked but thought with Halloween and everything else.. maybe he was being funny. She asked if she could talk to him, and I agreed. I had to get the kids early for dentist appointments, so I asked him what it was about. He told me that he heard a song on the radio the other day (If Your Reading This by Tim McGraw) and it made him sad. So he wrote it out. Never put two and two together. Then he said he had a dream last week. A dream his dad came back without a leg and scratches on his back. We discussed how that made him feel and how he needed to talk to me,his teacher, or the counselor if he has dreams like that. He usually doesn't talk much about AJ being gone, and holds it in.. a lot like me. Strong on the outside, feeling like I have lost my mind on the inside.

It just breaks my heart. I debated on writing an E-mail to AJ, because you are always thinking how they will take an E-mail over there and you don't want to distract them from their mission, but I feel he needs to know. So, I sent the E-mail. I am hoping that they can start E-mailing since the phone isn't the most reliable these days.

Anyway, we are so lucky to have such a thoughtful teacher for Keegan this year. She is going to have him keep a notebook that he can write about sad things. I guess much like my blog. Although, I tend to not write down the things that are bothering me.. not really sure why. I guess I need to start doing that more. I think I felt like my blogs were getting to negative and I am not a negative person.

I think over the past month I have been angry. I think not angry at AJ but at the situation. I think that I may have had some anticipatory grief. I have been reading alot about anticipatory grief. Here is some info on it.


Anticipatory Grief
Kristin Henderson | July 12, 2007
While my husband, a Navy chaplain, was in Iraq with the Marines, I imagined a knock at my door. I imagined uniformed Marines telling me that my husband was dead. I imagined the funeral. I did this regularly until my husband was safely home in my arms.

I thought I was the only one with such a morbid imagination until I began researching my book about military families, "While They're at War." Chaplain Jeffrey Watters described how he and other chaplains on Fort Bragg, NC, had noticed a wave of grief sweeping through the families on the homefront.

"They were exhibiting the same symptoms as those who are grieving over a loved one with a terminal illness," Watters told me. Then he listed the symptoms.

My mouth dropped open. I'd had many of those symptoms during my husband's deployment. I had cried in the shower, sometimes felt like I couldn't get enough air, and one day in church had an almost uncontrollable urge to get up and run out. Not only did I not know all this craziness had a name -- anticipatory grief -- I didn't know there were techniques to cope with it.

It turns out that anticipatory grief is common among homefront families during a wartime deployment. We're so afraid of losing the one we love that our bodies start to react as if they're already dead. The symptoms include:
-- tightness in the throat or chest
-- shortness of breath
-- sensitivity to loud noises
-- forgetfulness and difficulty concentrating
-- agitation and restlessness, like an anxiety attack
-- extreme hunger or lack of appetite
-- crying jags
-- headaches
-- insomnia
-- drug use or excessive drinking

Grief is nothing to be ashamed of. It's a normal human emotion, and grieving people typically move through five phases: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance and hope. Not everyone experiences all these phases, and they may not occur in that order. But any of those responses are normal, even if the one you love is alive and kicking.

__________________________________________________________________________

I know that I have gone through the isolation phase, and isolated myself from my family and friends at times. I feel like I have been through the anger phase, angry at the situation and that I feel like I am doing this all on my own.

I can tell you that a million times in my head, I have planned AJ's funeral. I have invisioned the knock on the door, who would come, who I would call. How I would tell the kids. I found myself many times being at church, becoming consumed by it. I have thought about it down to the music,who would speak, etc. I thought it was very morbid and couldn't believe that I had those thoughts. After reading about anticipatory grief, I know I am not crazy. I think it is away of protecting myself, just in case.

I know this is a lot today... but maybe it's just what I needed as my son needed to get his words out. I could feel all of this boiling inside of me today when I was waiting for my kids at their dental appointment. Two ladies ran into each other and had talked about how busy they were running around, etc. They couldn't imagine how any working mother could ever work. I sat there and probably rolled my eyes. I was so tired of listening to them complain and wanted to stand up and say, " You have no idea. You have no idea what it is like to run and run and run and have no one to help you. You have no idea what it is like to work a full day of work, run your errands, get home so the dogs can go pee, then do homework, cook dinner, go to basketball practice, get baths done, plan for the next day, and then still find time to wash clothes. Maybe you would get work out in, or get to visit on the phone. More then likely you are so exhausted, all you want to do is retreat by yourself for 5 minutes. Ughhh.....

At least I premade dinner tonight and we are home before 5! Yippy!!!!Aren't you glad you are on this crazy ride with me?